The earliest memory I have is of my older brother. I was three I guess, because he was eleven at the time. We’re eight years apart. In my memory, I had somehow gotten through that little fence thing that mom put up in front of the tile steps that connected the living room to our dining room. I fell down the steps and screamed and cried. Mostly because I was scared. I didn’t get hurt. But at that age, everything’s scary.

As soon as my brother heard me crying, he was there, holding me in his arms and rocking me back and forth. I had my little fists curled into the fabric of his t-shirt, wailing into his chest. Mom wasn’t home. She was never home. She worked two jobs to keep both of us fed and to buy us nice clothes. So when mom wasn’t home, my brother was ‘the man of the house’.

He just held me, whispering into my ear that I was going to be okay while I got the front of his shirt all messy. After my tears had dried up, he asked me where the boo-boo was and kissed my knee. I love my brother. Not a lot of kids can say that, but I do.

That’s my earliest memory. I think about it when I’m down so it’s plastered into my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve embellished it since I re-live it so often. Sometimes I think I have memories of my dad, but my brother says that I can’t because he died before I was born. I’ll protest and tell him my memory of my dad, and he’ll just smile at me and take my hand. That’s one thing I love about my brother, he never objects to holding my hand.

He led me to the shelf where mom keeps the pretty silver picture frames. He pointed to a picture of the man from my memory holding up a big fish and smiling. The man is holding a little boy on his hip with his free arm. Yes, I said. That’s my memory. That’s me!

No, he said. He explains that I’m putting myself into the photograph, that’s HE’S the little boy in that picture. I was stubborn. I didn’t believe him. I wanted to have a memory of dad. The only ones I have are of the times mom takes us to a stone in a big field of other stones. She points to that special stone and tells me that my dad is resting there. All I see is a stone.

My brother picked me up and started to play airplane with me. It’s one of my favorite games. I forgot all about my missing dad.

I love my brother. I know I’ve said it before, but I really do. I would brag to my friends in my pre-school class that my brother is cooler than their brothers. I always won those arguments. Nobody’s brother is as cool as mine.

“He plays with me all the time,” I said to Jacob, my best friend.

“No he doesn’t. No brothers do,” he replied.

“Danny does,” I returned smugly, crossing my pudgy arms. I was still in that ‘cute’ phase before kids get skinny and lose all their baby fat. My brother’s name is Danny, by the way.

“All the time?” asked my other best friend, Allie.

“Yes.”

“My sister is always telling me to go away. She yells at me if I go into her room,” Allie said in a scared whisper.

“Yeah,” Jacob put in. “My brother’s room is off limits.”

“Well I can go into Danny’s room any time I want.” There. I won the argument.

All my friends were jealous that I had the best brother of all time. When they came over to my house to play, they asked if they could meet him. Of course I would drag it out and make them beg or promise to give me one of their toys. But eventually I would give in and we would run to Danny’s room. (We always forgot to exchange toys later anyway.)

“Danny!” I pounded on his door.

“Come on in little buddy.” He called me little buddy. I loved it.

I looked over at Jacob and Allie. They had these frightened, awed looks on their faces. They knew they were in for something special: they were about to see the infamous Danny. I opened his door and proudly walked in with my two friends hiding behind me.

Danny was sprawled on his bed, reading. Danny was always reading. When mom was home, she called him a bookworm. I would giggle when she called him that because I knew he hated it.

Danny put the bookmark that he had been chewing in the page to mark his place and set the book down, smiling at us.

“Hello! You must be Chrissy’s friends. I’m Danny.” See what I mean? My brother is amazing. And he always called me Chrissy. Nobody else was allowed to call me that except him.

“Hi Danny,” Allie squeaked. When he winked at her, she squealed and covered her face.

Rolling my eyes, I walked right up to Danny and held my arms out. He picked me up and I curled up in his lap. I love sitting in his lap. It makes me feel secure. Safe.

I can see Jacob’s jaw drop. I know for a fact that his brother won’t even touch him. His brother picks on him and calls him names. Danny hugs me all the time. I’m the luckiest little boy in the world.

~*~

My brother is always there when I need him. Once a week, mom tried to be home to cook dinner for us. I like Danny’s cooking better, but he tells me that I have to keep that a secret. Danny and I have lots of secrets. I’m really good at keeping secrets. Whenever he tells me something that I can’t tell anybody else, he runs his finger over my lips like he’s closing a zipper and throwing away the key. I clamp my mouth shut and mumble. It makes Danny laugh. I love making Danny laugh.

But when mom tries to cook, it’s just a disaster. She tells us that it’s healthy, but I just can’t eat it. Danny said that I had to at least pretend to eat it. All through dinner that night, he held a Ziploc baggie under the table so I could hide my food. It became a tradition. Dinner with mom and the hidden bags. We laughed about it together afterwards.

At one of these dinners, I wanted to impress mom. I had learned a new word that day in class. “These peas are scrumptious,” I said proudly, hiding a few more in the bag.

“Good. Eat all of them.” Mom didn’t even look at me. I felt crushed.

“Hey, that’s a big word, little buddy.” Danny was beaming at me. “When did you get so smart?”

I turned to my brother and giggled, hiding my face behind my hands. “I’m not as smart as you.” Honestly, I idolized him.

“Oh, I bet you are. I didn’t know the answer to a really hard question today. Maybe you know it.”

“What’s the question?” I asked eagerly, wanting to show my brother that I was as smart as he thought I was.

“What’s five times five.”

Oh! I knew this! We had just learned the fives row of the times tables that day in class. I knew this! I bit my lip in concentration, remembering the jingle my teacher had sang and made us memorize. “25!” I yelled triumphantly.

“No shouting at the table. Use your indoor voice, Chris,” mom said, scolding me. My face fell.

“Way to go, little buddy,” Danny whispered, squeezing my knee under the table. I grinned up at him. “See, you ARE smarter than me.”

~*~

Danny loves to tickle me. It’s a game we play a lot. I would have to run while he closed his eyes. He always said he would count to a hundred, but I know he couldn’t possibly have ever gotten that far. Squealing, I would try to get away, but Danny is so fast. He would catch me and whirl me around in the air and then hold me down while he tickled me until I cried.

I love wrestling with my brother. One time we both got in trouble when mom came home and found the broken lamp we had tried to hide. Our punishment was to go to our rooms early that night with no supper.

Not having to eat her food, that wasn’t so bad. Being separated from Danny, that was terrible. After hours of sitting in my room, playing with my little toy cars, I couldn’t take it anymore. I snuck out of my room and tip-toed down the hall. I was terrified that mom was going to come out and catch me, but I think she was asleep. She was always taking naps when she was home. Resting before her next shift.

I eased open Danny’s door. He was reading, as usual, but it wasn’t a book this time. When I ran up to his bed, he congratulated me on my successful getaway, pulling me into his lap. I was getting a bit big to do this, but I still loved it.

“What are you reading?” I asked, running my finger over the glossy pages of the magazine he was holding in front of us. There were pictures on it of grown-up girls.

“It’s a playboy magazine,” he said, turning the pages to show me.

I looked at the pictures. The girls were making strange faces and their bodies were all glittery. “Why are you reading this?”

“To look at the girls.”

I didn’t get it. “But they look weird.”

“Yeah, they do, don’t they.” Danny sighed and put the magazine down. “Eric gave it to me.” Eric was one of Danny’s friends. I didn’t like Eric that much. Whenever he came over to our house, he wouldn’t let me play with them, even though Danny said I could. Eric was mean to me when Danny wasn’t looking. He would push me out of his way and call me a baby.

Danny rested his head back against his pillows. He looked worried about something. “What’s wrong Danny?”

“Nothing,” he said. But then he frowned. “Nothing you’d understand.”

“I’ll understand Danny, I promise.”

Danny smiled at me. “You want to play Cowboys and Indians?” he asked cheerfully.

“Yes!” I yelled. Danny always knew how to distract me. We played all night, running around his room and jumping on the bed. I shot him with my finger and he gasped and gagged and fell to the floor dramatically. Mom came and ruined our fun. She yelled at me for sneaking out of my room and made us feel guilty for waking her up.

When I was tucked into bed later that night, Danny came and said that it would be okay. He knew I had been crying. He cuddled me against his chest and kissed the top of my head. He stayed there until I fell asleep. That became another one of our traditions. Eventually, I couldn’t get to sleep unless Danny was there, holding me.

~*~

When I was seven, Danny brought home a girl. I was eating ice cream I had scooped out myself, sitting on the kitchen counter. Mom wasn’t home, as usual. Danny scolded me and cleaned up the mess I had made. I just giggled, watching the new girl out of the corner of my eye. She looked nice, but I didn’t like strangers that much. I was shy.

Danny rumpled my hair and introduced us. Her name was Emily and she gave me a little hug. She smelled like flowers. It made me sneeze. Emily smiled at me and told Danny I was adorable. I did my best not to choke.

They disappeared back to Danny’s room, and I was left alone in the kitchen with my empty ice cream bowl. I decided to be good and wash the bowl so mom would be proud of me. Mom always seemed to be disappointed with me, so I wanted to do something to make her happy.

When I was done, I went back to my room to play with my toys. But as I passed Danny’s room, I heard a strange noise. Quietly as I could, I crept to the door and opened it a crack, peeking inside. Danny and Emily were sitting on his bed, doing something really gross. They were kissing. I wrinkled my nose but continued to watch. I don’t know why.

Emily started unbuttoning Danny’s shirt. I could tell it made him uncomfortable because he went really still. Emily didn’t seem to notice. She finished opening the shirt and slid her hands up his exposed chest. When Danny didn’t do anything, Emily broke their awkward lip-lock.

“Why don’t you take off my shirt,” she suggested in a kind voice, looking down at Danny’s frozen arms.

“O-okay,” he whispered. Danny was nervous. I’d never seen my brother nervous. He started undoing the buttons of her flowery top, but stopped because his hands were shaking. “Emily…”

“It’s all right.” Emily sounded hurt. She pulled away and sat on the end of the bed, looking down at her lap. She twisted her hands over the fabric of her skirt, over and over.

Danny looked miserable.

“Don’t you like me?” Emily asked.

“Yes. I like you a lot, but…”

“But?”

“Can we just be friends?”

Emily looked like she was about to cry. But she nodded and forced a smile. I like Emily’s smile. She has very white teeth.

After that day, Emily was over quite often. Once I got to know her better, I grew to really like her. She was cool like Danny, not like his other friends who were mean. Emily let me do things with them. When they watched a movie together, Emily would pat the spot between them and let me wiggle into my allotted place. When they went out in Emily’s car, she would let Danny bring me along.

Emily gave me lots of hugs, just like Danny. I really like being hugged. By the time I turned eight, I realized that I was unusually short for my grade, so I liked feeling that security. Other kids picked on me. They would call me a runt. Jacob and Allie would try to stick up for me, but they didn’t want to get on the bullies’ bad sides.

When I came home crying, I told Emily and Danny about how I had been beaten up one day. Danny got furious and started pacing back and forth. “Nobody touches my brother!” he kept shouting, while Emily doctored my cuts with gentle hands.

We rode in Emily’s car to the park where the bullies hung out after school. I watched from the car as Danny got out and threatened the older boys. They looked really scared. My brother was tall and muscular and could pound them into the ground in a heartbeat. After that day, they left me alone. I love my brother.

~*~

I stroked Danny’s forehead when he cried all night. Emily had moved away. Something about her parents getting better jobs or something. I missed Emily too. I had a lump in my throat and it took me weeks to get used to her absence. Danny was glum for a while, but he got over it. His other friends, including Eric, started coming over more. I didn’t like it. They were loud and they said bad words and made jokes that I didn’t understand.

I would watch as they sat on the front porch and wasted time. Eric would yell out to groups of girls that would walk by on our street, and the others would whistle. Danny never whistled and never called out. It made me proud that he was my brother. He wasn’t crude like the rest of his so-called friends.

One day, Danny introduced me to a new friend. His name was Mathew and he was from a different school. Mathew was okay, but he didn’t like having me around all the time. I liked him because he gave great hugs, but the rest of the time he was kind of hard to get along with. Mathew would stroke Danny’s hair constantly, and I could tell it got on my brother’s nerves. Danny didn’t like other people touching him. Except me.

When Mathew left to go back home, Danny pulled me into his room.

“You can’t tell anyone about Mathew, got it?” Danny nestled me into his lap and looked at me very seriously. He acted a little scared. “Not mom, not anyone.”

I nodded. I liked this game. “Like a secret?” I asked.

“Yes, exactly.” Danny smiled in relief and kissed my forehead. I hugged my brother hard, trying to make him beg for mercy. He was so much stronger than me; there was no way I could win. He pretended for me though. His eyes bugged out and he puffed up his cheeks. I giggled and ruined it by poking either side of his face, making him let out the air in his mouth with a fart sound. We both laughed at that and did it again.

Mathew kept visiting for about two weeks, but every time I saw him, he was more and more moody. One time I watched them as they sat on the couch. I was supposed to be in my room doing homework. Mathew was doing the things Emily had done the first time I met her. He was kissing Danny and forcing his hands under Danny’s clothes.

Danny went along with it for a few minutes, but when Mathew became more insistent, Danny stood up and walked away. They got into a huge fight. I hid behind the corner and flinched every time Mathew yelled. He said really mean things to my brother and it made me hate him. I would never let Mathew hug me again. He had lost his hugging privileges.

“I’m not ready, okay!” Danny said. I wanted to comfort my brother, he sounded so panicked.

“When the hell will you be? You want to be a fucking virgin your whole life?” Mathew sneered. He was talking like Eric did, saying things I didn’t understand.

“No.”

“Well then, stop being a coward.”

“I’m not a coward,” Danny said defensively.

Mathew made a disbelieving noise. “Are you sure you’re gay, because you’re acting pretty asexual. I don’t like being used for some guy’s experiment. Figure it out Danny, and figure it out quick.”

Mathew left, slamming the door behind him. I ran to Danny as soon as he was gone, hugging him around the middle. He picked me up even though I was too big, and carried me to his bedroom. He buried his face in his pillow and beat the mattress with his fist. I was afraid that he was going to send me away, but my brother loves me. When he had calmed down, he pulled me into his lap and held me close. I wrapped my legs around his waist and hugged him back, trying to comfort him.

“What’s gay?” I asked my brother as he rubbed my back.

“What do you think it means?” he asked me gently. His voice was tired now, after he had spent his pent up frustration. I pulled back so I could look at his face.

“I heard my friends talk about it at lunch one day. They said it was something bad. Something that bad people do.” I hated to say this to my brother, but I was so confused. I wanted answers.

“Do you think I’m bad?” I couldn’t believe my brother asked me that. I hit him in the shoulder and nearly screamed.

“No! You’re the best person in the world.” I crossed my arms and glared at him. How dare he say that.

“Chris.” Danny only called me that when he was very serious. “Chris, I’m gay.”

“I still love you,” I said angrily. “You can’t do anything to make me stop loving you.”

My brother closed his eyes. For a long time he didn’t move. I ran my fingers softly over his eyelids, wondering if I had made him mad. “Are you mad at me?” I whispered.

“No Chris. I could never be mad at you. I love you.” He sighed and rubbed my arms up and down. “Chris, being gay means I like guys.” He could tell from my expression that I still didn’t get it. “You know how mom loved dad? That’s normal. Being gay means two men love each other the way mom and dad did.”

I was skeptical about this. “Show me.”

“What?” Danny’s eyebrows shot up.

“Show me what you mean about being gay.”

Danny stared at me. I don’t think he blinked for five solid minutes. Then he did something I’ll never forget. He took my face in his big, warm hands and pressed his lips softly against mine. I’m pretty sure it was a kiss; a real one. I had never been kissed before.

It was my turn to stare at him now. Then I smiled. And slowly, he smiled too.

I felt really weird, like my stomach was twisting in knots. I leaned up and kissed my brother again. I didn’t know there was a certain way to do it, so I just put my mouth on his and sat there.

Danny put his fingers in my hair and pulled my face back a little so that he could move my lips into all sorts of complicated little patterns. I followed his lead, realizing that he was teaching me. I was giddy and full of adrenaline. I don’t know why, but this felt dangerous and exciting and wonderful all at the same time.

I scooted closer to him, straddling him as I sat on his lap. My body felt tingly and numb.

Then Danny pushed his tongue out a little, licking my bottom lip. I thought this was weird, so I pulled away and slanted my head to the side inquisitively.

“Open your mouth,” my brother said breathily, eyes half open.

I obeyed and Danny slipped his tongue inside my mouth, just past my teeth as we kissed again. It was a strange feeling, having my brother’s tongue in my mouth. I tentatively reached out and touched his with my own tongue. It was really weird.

“Mmm,” Danny moaned, running his hands up and down my sides, nearly lifting me up. I put my arms around his neck to steady myself as he rubbed me harder against his chest.

Danny pulled away after a moment, keeping my bottom lip lightly between his teeth. He nibbled at it a little, making me giggle. Danny sighed and let go, leaning back and letting his hands fall to my hips. I grinned at my brother. Then I yawned.

Without my knowledge, I had gotten tired. Danny chuckled at me and turned off his bedside lamp, scooting down so that he was laying flat on his back with me on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, kissing my forehead like he always did before I fell asleep.

But I was still curious. “Danny?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s a virgin?”

Danny laughed into the darkness of his room. That night, he explained to me about sex. Afterwards, he called it my ‘birds and bees’ talk, even though there weren’t any birds or bees in it. My poor brain was hurting after learning so many new things that day.

~*~

Mathew came back a few days later. He brought flowers and apologized to my brother. I glared at him, holding Danny’s hand. Danny was mine.

Danny took the flowers in his free hand and smelled them. I hated them. Stupid colorful things. I willed them to wilt with the power of my eyes. It didn’t work.

Mathew moved between me and my brother and tried to give him a hug. Danny just stood there and let Mathew hang all over him. I kicked Mathew in the shins and told him to get the fuck off my brother.

Danny choked and burst out laughing. I had used a word I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I felt bad almost immediately, but then again, it had made Danny laugh. I love making Danny laugh.

Mathew looked at me like I was some sort of alien. Then he turned to Danny. “Can’t you control your little brat of a brother?!”

Danny’s face got suddenly serious and he shoved Mathew away. “Don’t call Chrissy a brat!” he shouted. “You were right, Mathew. I don’t want to be with you.” He threw the flowers at Mathew’s chest. “Goodbye.”

I had to cover my ears after that. Mathew called my brother all kinds of words that I couldn’t figure out. Most of them I’d never heard before.

“You’re going to regret this!” Mathew shouted as a parting shot before Danny slammed the door in his face.

As much as I hate to admit it, Mathew was right. When I came home from school the next day, I found my brother crying in his room. He had a black eye and a split lip and he clutched his ribs in pain. I was in shock for a little while. Danny was so strong. It was impossible for him to get beaten up. I was the little guy, I was the weak one. Not my brother.

I got a cold wash cloth and cleaned him up while he told me what had happened. Somehow, everyone at his high school had been told that he was gay. Eric and the rest of Danny’s former friends had decided that Danny was no longer welcome among them. They had grabbed him at lunch and taken him behind the cafeteria. Danny had run all the way home.

Neither of us said it, but we knew how the rumor had started. It must have been Mathew. I was glad I never saw him again. Otherwise I might have killed him.

Danny buried his face in my lap. “I can’t go back to school, Chrissy. What am I going to do?”

I was nine years old. I didn’t have a clue. I just held my brother and told him he was going to be okay. Oddly, I thought about my first memory.  

~*~

My brother was different from that day on. He was depressed and quiet most of the time. Every day he came home from school with new bruises. He told me I was his only friend.

I love my brother.

One night, as Danny held me like he always did, he started kissing the back of my neck. I got that unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach again and I shivered. His arms tightened around my waist as he licked the side of my ear.

I twisted around in his embrace to face him and he immediately started doing the things he had showed me the night I asked about being gay. I love my brother, so I let him. I was enjoying it, so I didn’t see anything wrong with it. This time, he let me slide my tongue into his mouth. I don’t think I did it very well, but it was fun.

That was the first morning I woke up with Danny still in my room. Before that night, he would only stay until I had fallen asleep. From then on, Danny and I slept together. It didn’t matter whose room we ended up in as long as we were together.

I got better at kissing. Constant practice will improve anything.

~*~

The day I turned ten was the day Danny graduated from high school. Mom took off work to spend the day with us. First we watched my brother walk across the stage and shake the principal’s hand wearing a funny gown, then we went out to my favorite restaurant to celebrate my birthday.

I dug my fork into my moist piece of chocolate cake, courtesy of the restaurant, and held it out for Danny. He ate it out of my hand and winked at me. Mom gave me a strange look until I cut a bite for her too. She leaned over the table and bit into it, smiling at me. Mom didn’t smile at me often. I was glad that she did now.

After our plates were cleared away, Danny put two boxes on the table. I opened mom’s gift first, wanting to save my brother’s gift for last. I carefully undid the wrapping, knowing mom liked to save the paper. Holding my breath, I lifted the lid off the box.

It was a slightly tarnished wristwatch. Mom explained that it had once belonged to my dad. Danny took it out and put it on my arm for me. It was too big and kind of heavy. I got up and walked around the table to kiss mom on the cheek. She looked shocked, but pleased. I liked seeing my mom happy.

Then I ran back to my seat and ripped open the brown paper package from Danny. Inside I discovered a strange sort of bell. It had a lever that, when pushed, rang out cheerfully. I raised my eyebrows at Danny curiously. I was getting a bit old for toys.

He reached over and rumpled my hair. “It’s a bell for your new bicycle.”

“You got me a bicycle?!” I practically jumped out of my seat.

“Mm-hmm.” Danny beamed at me. I flew into his lap and kissed the hollow of his neck, hugging him tightly. Danny stiffened and I knew I had broken the rules. Our kissing was another secret. I couldn’t believe I had slipped up. And in public too.

I did my best to cover it up, squeezing him extra tight and burying my face in his chest. When I broke away, I cast a covert glance at mom, wondering if she had seen anything amiss. She hadn’t. She was looking down at the check and frowning, one hand massaging her temple.

~*~

Danny taught me how to ride my new bike. I knew that every one of my friends could already do this, and that I was way too old to be learning, so I insisted that he take back the training wheels he had bought. My brother ran behind me, pushing the underside of my seat as I laughed and pedaled. I wasn’t known for my coordination, and I fell over a couple of times.

But Danny was always right there, wiping away my tears and kissing my scraped elbows. I finally got the hang of it after an evening of practice. I rode in circles around my brother, grinning at him and showing off my new abilities. He praised me and chased me, threatening to tickle me when he caught me.

When we curled up together that night, I thanked him for my birthday gift. “It’s perfect, Danny.” I kissed him softly and ran my fingers through his hair. “I didn’t get you anything for graduation. What do you want me to give you?”

Danny pulled me in close to his chest. “You’re everything I want, Chrissy. The only thing I want is you.”

I have the best brother in the world. How many other kids get to hear their brother say that?

“Just do one thing for me,” Danny whispered. I nodded, kissing his chin. “Tell me you love me.”

“I love you.” I don’t know why he had to ask me to do that. He knew that I loved him.

“More than anyone else?” His voice was pleading.

“More than anyone else.” I tilted my head back to look into his eyes. “Danny, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” I could tell something was on his mind, so I just waited. “Well… I guess… I want you to do something for me.” He sounded nervous.

“Anything.” I would do anything for my brother.

Danny took several deep breaths, then kissed me harder than he normally did. I almost ran out of air, he kissed me so long. Then he rolled over on his back and closed his eyes. “I want you to… just… touch my face and arms. Just a little bit. While I do something. Okay? If you don’t want to, just stop anytime, okay?” Danny turned his head towards me where I still lay on my side.

I nodded, eyes wide. I had never heard my brother sound so serious… so desperate. He closed his eyes again and started relaxing his tense muscles, breathing evenly. “Go ahead,” he whispered.

I tentatively reached out and began stroking his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, his jaw, his lips. As my movements continued, my brother started moaning. I watched with fascination as his hands traveled down to the waistline of his pajama pants, slipping underneath them to the protruding organ.

Even though I knew the mechanics of what he was doing, I didn’t understand it. That desire… that need… My brother needed me. I inched closer and moved my hands down his neck and across his shoulders, rubbing his biceps. He arched up a little, pushing his head back down into the pillow.

It was amazing. Seeing my brother like this.

He writhed under my hands, letting soft noises escape his throat as his own hands worked mysteriously out of sight beneath his pajamas. Impulsively, I leaned in and kissed my brother’s face, trailing my lips over every inch of his slightly sweaty skin.

“Ah, Chris,” he groaned, rolling his shoulders and arching up again. He was panting now, feet digging into the mattress, toes curling. “Chris!” I stifled his yell with my mouth, covering his so he wouldn’t be too loud. Mom wasn’t home, but I didn’t know whether or not she could walk in the door at any moment. Plus we had neighbors.

Danny’s whole body stiffened beautifully before he collapsed in a boneless heap, limp as a wet dishrag. His face was shiny in the soft glow from the streetlights coming through the window. I’ve never seen my brother look more perfect. His eyes opened slowly, and he stared at me. I think he was worried that he had terrified me. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

~*~

I was twelve when I let Danny do to me what he had done to himself that night. I rode my bike to his dorm at the local community college and spent the night with him. Mom had found out I was staying with him a few weeks ago when she came home unexpectedly and I wasn’t there. I got yelled at for scaring her, but she didn’t say anything about me not being able to visit Danny.

I don’t know how much she knew…

My brother shushed me and told me to calm down when I started to panic. I was so scared, but it felt so good. He said I had to be quiet because he had roommates next door. They didn’t know he was gay. They didn’t know how much he loved me. Danny had made friends with them and didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want him to either; I had seen what high school had done to him.

I never wanted to see him that depressed again.

But when he finished, I was a wreck. I was shaking uncontrollably and whimpering. Danny held me in his arms and whispered softly in my ear. I think he even started singing. I love my brother, but he can’t sing worth a damn.

He stopped when I started giggling. He twisted my ear playfully. “Naughty Chrissy,” he scolded good naturedly. He rubbed my back and kissed my forehead. After I was calmed down, he asked me if I had been hurt, if I thought we had gone too fast, if I didn’t want to do that again.

I think my confession surprised us both. I had enjoyed it. A lot.

When I came back to stay with him the next weekend, he had a new toy to play with. I said we were both too old to play with toys, but Danny said I would enjoy this one. My brother took me to his dorm and locked the door. He showed me the dildo he had gotten.

I had never heard that word before. I thought it sounded funny. Danny smiled at me indulgently when I laughed at the object in his hands.

“So, do you want to try it?”

I looked down at the toy, then back up at my brother.

~*~

Danny lay panting on his back, gripping the headboard as I cautiously pressed the dildo inside of him. It was fascinating to see the long object disappearing into my brother’s body. I was amazed that it even fit. I thought it looked painful, but by the sounds my brother was making, I knew it must feel really good.

I listened to his instructions, pushing it in as far as he wanted, then turning on the little button to the lowest setting. Danny bit a corner of his pillow and closed his eyes tightly shut. He moaned and wriggled around on the bed. I sat on my ankles, watching with wide eyes.

“Oh God, Chris. Oh God.” Danny opened glazed eyes and looked at me. “Come here.”

I laid down on top of him, loving the feel of our bare chests rubbing together as he moved, creating friction. I was no longer the scrawny kid I used to be. My brother wrapped his arms around me. I hissed when I felt his fingernails digging into my back. He immediately withdrew his hands and apologized. I said it was okay. I didn’t mind.

“I love you, Chris,” he panted, breath erratic.

“I love you too,” I said, kissing his shoulders. When he asked me to turn the setting up higher, I did. When he asked me to touch him, I did. When he asked me to lick him, I did. I love my brother. I coughed and spat into my hand, choking.

“Fuck! I’m so sorry Chris, I’m so sorry.” Danny was frantic, patting my arms and head and cupping my face in his hands. I think he forgot the dildo was still inside him, buzzing away. “Are you okay? God, I’m so sorry.”

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “I’m fine Danny. Relax.” I smiled at him. It was then that he seemed to remember what was currently shoved up his ass. He shuddered and quickly turned it off. He gasped and cussed some more as he slowly pulled it back out.

I laughed at his antics, earning myself a glare from my beloved brother. We took a shower together. I threw the soap at him when he attempted to sing. He asked about my friends and I told him that Jacob and Allie were dating. I made a disgusted face and pretended to gag. He just laughed and messed up my hair.

“Do they act funny around each other?”

“YES!” I said exasperatedly. I was spinning around and around on his swiveling desk chair while he sat on his bed, trying to write his history essay. “You know how talkative Allie used to be. Now she can’t string two words together. It’s driving me crazy.” I huffed and held onto the desk to steady myself. “Whoa,” I said as the room spun and tilted dizzyingly.  

Danny chunked his pencil at me.

“Hey!”

“Be nicer to your friends. They’re at a tricky stage.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m nice to them,” I said insufferably. But sometimes I wish I could be honest with them, I said to myself. They had long ago gotten over the fact that I had the coolest brother in the world and were tired of me constantly talking about him.

~*~

I was sixteen when I moved in with Danny into his tiny apartment. Mom had taken to drinking last year and didn’t even seem to notice when I said I was leaving. My brother helped me pack all my earthly possessions into the trunk of his brand new (used) car. He even tied my too-small bike to the roof because I couldn’t bear to leave it behind.

I had to ride the bus to school now because Danny lived farther away than we had with mom. I stared out the window at the passing, rain soaked traffic, ignoring the argument of the couple behind me. I was nervous about seeing my friends today. Jacob had been pestering me about who I was going to ask to prom. A few girls I barely knew had even asked me if I wanted to take them.

I had talked to Danny about it that night after he got home from work. I made fun of him because he was required to wear a tie, but I shut up after he threatened to strangle me with it. I had asked him if thought it was good idea, if I should tell Jacob and Allie that I was gay.

Danny just sort of gave me this look. “You’ve never told me you were gay.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “I think all the years of kissing another guy kind of clued me in,” I said sarcastically. I went over and curled up in his lap. I was still able to do this because I had never grown very tall like mom insisted I would. It seemed I had inherited my grandmother’s ‘short’ gene. Danny was tall. Danny was strong. I felt so safe in his arms.

My brother stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. “You know what I went through, Chris. You still have a year and a half of school. That’s a long time if things don’t work out like you hope. I only had to suffer through a handful of months. Think about this before you jump into anything.”

“But I love you so much, Danny. I can’t stand to keep it all to myself anymore. I feel like no one can truly understand me when I have to lie all the time.”

“I know, Chrissy. Believe me, I know.”

…I realized the bus had stopped and I was the last one sitting on it. I hurriedly grabbed my schoolbag and slung it over my shoulder, jumping out and jogging towards my first class. I brooded all through English, waiting for the lunch bell.

When I finally saw my two best friends, I gathered my resolve. I was determined to do this.

Allie greeted me with a big smile. She had a fashion magazine in her hands that she cornered me with as soon as we sat down at our usual table. She pointed to a light blue dress with rhinestone straps. Her prom dress. “So… who are you taking?” she asked after I had sufficiently praised her choice of wardrobe.

“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you guys about.” I took a deep breath. Jacob, who was in the middle of a huge bite of pizza, swallowed painfully and cleared his throat.

“About time, man. Who is she?” He leaned forward on his elbows, waiting. Allie copied him, similarly scooting closer, eyes bright and eager.

“I’m not taking anyone. I’m not going.”

“But you can’t miss PROM!” Allie whined in a frequency currently used only by dolphins. I winced.

“Why not?” Jacob asked shrewdly. He could tell something was up.

“Because. I need to tell you guys something important. Something you can’t tell anybody else. It’s a secret.” I inwardly smiled at that, thinking about Danny and our games.

Jacob sat back, looking stunned. Allie examined her nail polish and bit her lower lip.

What?! I hadn’t even told them anything yet. “Um, well… I’m…” I was flustered. They had stolen my thunder completely. “I’m gay,” I finished glumly, staring morosely at the table.

Then my friends did something I will never forgive them for. Allie looked over at Jacob expectantly… and he… handed her a crisp twenty dollar bill.

“YOU BET ON ME?!” I shouted for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. Yes. They had wagered money on my orientation behind my back. No wonder Jacob kept bugging me about who I was taking to prom. He had been counting on me being straight. Allie was smug for hours.

I stomped angrily up the stairs to Danny’s apartment. I ripped open the door and threw my bag onto the couch, flumping down on the cushions dejectedly, glaring at the nicked coffee table. My brother’s arms came around me from behind and his breath tickled my ear as he spoke. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but… how did it go?”

“They already knew!” I fumed for hours and hours. Danny only laughed and told me how lucky I was to have such good friends. I think a small part of him was jealous.

~*~

For my seventeenth birthday, I asked Danny for a very special birthday present. When he asked for clarification, I simply took a long length of ribbon and tied it in a bow around his head.

“You.”

I love my brother. And he loves me. We had done so much together, and yet it still wasn’t enough. For nearly a year I had been itching. Now I asked him to scratch my itch.

Danny went to a quick stop to get the things we’d need while I waited at home. I was jittery and jumpy and the minutes that Danny was gone felt like hours. As soon as he was through the door, I sprang to my feet and ran to him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him hungrily. He staggered back under my weight, dropping the small sack he carried.

I was so tense. My poor brother had to pry me off him before he could so much as take a step. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He just chuckled and pulled me into a one armed hug as he retrieved the sack and walked us into our bedroom. I loved saying that: OUR bedroom.

My brother undressed me slowly, taking his time to pay homage to each part of my body as he uncovered it. I had been naked in front of him countless times before, but this was different. This was special. This time, we were going all the way.

I was scared and I stuttered when he asked me things. Things I didn’t know the answer to. What position did I want to be in? What method of preparation did I prefer? I told him to do what he wanted, but Danny said no. This was for me.

I went red and stared at the floor. I asked him, in the smallest voice I possessed, to use his tongue. And I can’t believe it, but he did. I’ve been with my brother countless ways, but I’ve hardly ever been on the receiving end. He kept insisting that we wait until I was ready. I’m glad Danny said that. He was right.

It was so much better than what I thought it was going to be. I ended up on my back with my brother sprawled between my legs as he worked me with his tongue. I squirmed at the strange feeling, gripping the sheets and clenching my teeth. When he started using his fingers too, I nearly screamed. I’d never had anything inside me before. I had always been the one using the toys on HIM.

Danny caressed my thighs and rubbed my stomach, silently telling me to relax and calm down. It was difficult, but my brother’s never been wrong before. I did my best to follow his advice. We both knew I was ready when I starting begging for more. Danny sat up and leaned over me, kissing me so sweetly I thought I might die.

Then he took me in the best way I could have ever imagined. …Better.

His name fell from my lips like music as he delved deep inside me. He moved like liquid through my veins, like fire in my heart, and wind through my hair. For a long time, I didn’t know where my body ended and his began as we swam in our ocean of sheets.

After I had shuddered my way through my violent climax, he held me like I was three years old again. He pushed my sweat soaked bangs out of my eyes and cooed soft words in my ear as I cried. I wasn’t upset, or sad, or hurt. I was happy. So happy that my eyes were leaking. And just like I had when I was three, I clung to my brother’s chest and got him all messy.

I love my brother.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love him with all my heart. I love him even though some may say it’s bad, or wrong, or unnatural. I love him because he’s the best brother in the whole world, and because he’s always there for me when I need him. I love him. And he loves me.

I’m the luckiest kid in the world.

Danny. My brother. My Danny. This is to you: I love you.